“Have a good swim class! And listen to daddy!”
I shouted out to my husband and three kids as their car pulled out of our home driveway. They were going to their weekly Saturday swim class.
I closed and locked the front door and leaned back on our sofa for a few minutes, scrolling through my phone and messages.
I had time to myself, home alone on a Saturday afternoon, no work, no one to attend to, peace and quiet.
Most mothers with young kids would yearn for this time alone, and I usually do as well.
I had my usual 3 hours to myself from the late afternoon to dinner time.
But I was feeling off that Saturday.
I took a shower, my first of the day, and laid in my bed scrolling again, and then I began to feel drowsy, and I fell deep into an hour-long nap from 4-5 pm.
I woke up at 5.15 pm remembering I needed to get dinner ready.
Baked jacked potatoes, with shredded chicken and bacon, sour cream, and cheese toppings, was our experimental dinner menu that night.
I went on with it, being in the kitchen wasn’t my best forte, but the husband and I had been cooking a lot more at home this year to save more money, for certain financial goals we were trying to reach ( I might touch on that topic in the future).
But the truth is, as I went about my afternoon to evening alone that day, I felt low.
Perhaps a better word is feeling down, blue, certainly not my best.
And I had no reason to.
Maybe it’s burnout from the week’s work, the Friday night before, I had worked until 9 pm. Maybe it’s my hormones in this season, maybe I wasn’t used to having not much to busy myself with. I do have an active, busy weekday and Saturday mornings too.
I don’t really know for sure.
But I’ve known since I was a kid, in my younger years, I do get the blues occasionally, with or without reasons to have it.
It may be loneliness, it may be a feeling of sadness, fear and anxiety, but this feeling wasnt foreign to me.
As much as I can feel joy at the smallest things, enjoy a laugh with others or have moments of contentment with loved ones and friends, I too can fall into times of quiet sadness and feel pretty blue.
Sometimes I think being occupied with work or kids and family prevents these feelings from taking over.
Other times, when I have nothing on my plate to do, the feeling comes when there are no distractions, and when things around me get too quiet.
Don’t get me wrong, I am a person of faith, and I do have joy, but these are the times when these emotions do come up, and I feel it, and I hide it.
Because really, there isnt’t a real cause for it.
What can I say? I couldn’t justify it.
So what do I do?
Since in Asia we do not often seek therapy for our feelings, I’d only tell the person closest to me, and in my case its my husband.
Other times I’d wait for the feeling to pass, and it usually does over time, or when life gets busy again.
Maybe there is a science or biology to it. I do get migraines since my teenage years, and sometimes I think there is a correlation between having a higher tendency to fall into depression ( which I have before during a migraine treatment) and having a predisposition to getting painful migraine episodes every month.
I rushed dinner that day, the kids and husband arrived home to me preparing the last few bits of dinner while the husband took the potatoes out of the oven, and we stuffed it with chicken, bacon, sour cream and cheese.
We had dinner, I confided in my husband about it, I laughed, smiled, nagged at the kids and family, while keeping the feelings inside. I knew it would pass, and eventually, the feelings did pass after 8pm that night. I’d managed myself through it as usual.
Faith, family, and love helps me overcome, and I am functional through these times.
But I am not afraid to share that these feelings do come to me, and maybe, probably, it affects many others too, who do not talk about taboo topics like mental health so openly.
So if it does affect you, do find some support where you can get it, friends and family to talk too, say a short prayer, or take a walk. Other than exercise, being mobile has surprising benefits of eleviating your mood and helps you process those moments.