Putting thoughts to paper on a personal growth topic.
Let’s get into this.
Uncomfortable as it may be for me.
I had realised since my teenage years that I did not take criticism well, be it from teachers or parents, or my peers.
Some may term it as being sensitive, and I think that might be an accurate description of me in the area of my personality. Not that I am easily offended, but when it comes to ocomments that question my ability and competency, it hits harder than others and it does get me down.
Over the years, I have gotten better at controlling how I feel towards comments like these, but I am still affected by words or impressions that people have of me.
I know this may not matter much to others, but somehow, somewhere in my childhood, I had made people’s opinions and thoughts of my personal abilities important and directly tied it to my self-esteem.
My conclusion I came to years ago still holds true, and that is that I have a lot of insecurities to work through, from my early teens to early adulthood.
The worst seasons have passed and it was later when I had left home had I taken more time to know and understand what had triggered those hurts and self-worth issues over two decades ago, and work it out with my partner and later on my husband and children.
It could have been something simple as having someone comment that my ideas were bad, or that I did not contribute enough, or that I was stupid for doing such and such (usually in the heat of arguments) and that would trigger me into a spiral of sorts of questioning my self-worth.
Another way this shows up was when I quietly sought for some form of validation from others, and when I was complimented for my work or efforts, I would brush it off and be shy about it because I didnt think I deserved it. How contradictory.
I was also worried about failing in front of others and have myself appear incapable or inadequate.
When my husband came into my life, when things had gotten serious, we had an adjustment period.
He came to know how I hurt and what my weaknesses and fears are, and I came to understand him in his own ways, why he did not care for what others thought of him, and some of the bitterness he held against the world or society. We were both different, and though we complemented each other, it was not easy when it came to matters where we each had a different opinion towards or different reactions to situations around us.
In the end, what I wanted for myself instead is as below.
That I would be willing to try without fear of failing or of receiving bad judgment from others.
That I would do and attempt new and difficult things because it was worth it, because I had interest and wanted to pursue it, and to be willing to accept failure if it does not work out.
And to not fear appearing incompetent in front of others.
And if the correction is valid, I’d swallow it and be better.
And to be brave enough to admit my weaknesses.
To be willing to learn and try again.
Dwell on it for a while, do my internal post-mortem of where I went wrong, and move on.
These are the values I want to impart on my own children, as I don’t want to pass on the fear of failure or the fear of being judged by others to my own kids.
Even if till now my default feeling is to feel inadequate and ‘hurt’ when failure or bad comments and judgment come my way.
One thing to know as well is that not all opinion holds true, and I had to discern through them to know which are valid. People are people, and they have their opinions but not everything thrown out there is right. I’ve had to filter words out, and it’s gotten better now that I’m in my late thirties.
Because perspectives and points of view can be spoken, but we have the discernment to filter through them, and we, too, hold the choice on whether to let them affect us or not.
On the other hand, there is something really refreshing about a humble, honest person, even one who has successes in life and are still very clear on their weakneses and failures.
Versus one who covers their failures and rejections from being known.