I accidentally knocked my tabletop calendar over to its side, I stared at it for awhile, but I didn’t pick it back up.
I knew why I didn’t, and I knew then too that I was still grieving.
On it, I had circled out dates, and milestones, for my pregnancy before it ended.
And looking at it reminded me of what I lost.
Dates moving onwards now saddens me, although with time, I was supposed to be better.
And I was, better.
It has been 3 weeks.
I’ve made progress, I went back to work, I taught, I went out, I felt joy, and I functioned.
And though I’ve had other health issues to contend with, I still progressed.
But I still think about it every day.
And small memories still trigger me back to remembering what I could have had.
Memories of seeing the heartbeat, and then later the memory of seeing it when there was no more.
Today the calendar triggered my memory.
So I knew, I had not gotten over it.
And at this point, I don’t know when I will.