I was in my doctor’s office a week ago for my 9th-week appointment, and time slowed down when he gave us the news, my eyes kept staring at the monitor during the ultrasound, realizing what had happened.
A missed miscarriage, it was termed, my baby no longer had a heartbeat.
The D and C procedure (dilatation and curettage) to clean my uterus was scheduled 2 days later on the following Monday morning upon my request as my bleeding had started a day after that appointment.
If you are in a similar situation as me, I will not be able to tell you what exact steps to take that can give you relief, but I can tell you what I did in those first few days after I lost my pregnancy.
1. Took Time Off Work
My doctor gave me 5 days of medical leave, and I updated my boss and team at work on my personal issues, and that I will be away from work for a week.
That gave me time to be alone, recover, and to grief.
My husband got permission to work from home that week, so he could be by my side at home if I needed him.
2. Informed Family and Relevant Parties
We informed my immediate family first, and then I informed my direct superior and my small team that I would be on a week off to recover. We kept the news limited to a few persons only.
They gave their support and prayers, and although I wanted to be alone, I appreciated their care and empathetic thoughts.
Receiving messages from colleagues to not think about work, and that they will be reachable and supportive in any way was comforting.
I cried as I called my mum, tearing up, and quietly sobbed as I reached the part where I had to give her the news of what happened.
After all was done, I felt a relief that we had notified those who needed to know, and now I could openly grieve.
3. Time Alone
Other than my husband, there was no one else I could show my real grief. My in-laws graciously helped to let my kids stay over a few nights after my D and C, while I recovered from the procedure, and cried and grieved openly at home.
4. Took Many Walks
On the same day as my D and C procedure, after spending a tearful morning and afternoon at home, I told my husband I needed a walk.
So we did, evening came, and I walked, and walked, and even smiled once or twice during our conversations.
The serotonin and dopamine release helped me relax, and the long walk helped me process my thoughts and feelings.
However, the tears returned as night came, even as I sat at dinner in the restaurant. I allowed it and didn’t mind if others caught glances over at me.
But walks do help, and I really recommend it for those who are feeling down and depressed, or grieving like I did.
5. I Bought a Flowering Plant
I woke up on day 3 and told myself I wanted a plant, with flowers, to bring home. I don’t know why, but I had wanted a plant before this and never got around to it. That day I felt the urgency. Although it seemed weird, I wanted to care for a plant and have it at my home.
I went to a plant nursery that day, and bought a pot of Cuphea hyssopifolia, those with the little pink and purple flowers. It was hardy, and will not be difficult to care for, according to my online research.
I’ve yet to wrap my head around this idea and any correlation it had to my loss, but I don’t regret it.
6. Sleep
The day before my D and C, and the afternoon after the procedure, I couldn’t sleep. On the nights and days after it was done, my body crashed, after the tears, the fatigue set in, and I slept and slept.
Being on medical leave, I allowed myself to sleep in till after 10am in the mornings. Partly because I was physically tired and recovering from the procedure, but mostly I was emotionally exhausted, and at times I didn’t really want to wake up and face those thoughts again.
Did it help?
Yes, as one who usually finds there was not enough time in a day, I allowed myself to spend it sleeping in a dark room. And slowly, when I got tired of sleeping and turning over the same thoughts of loss, I got up and ate.
This went on for days, until I had to get up early again as my routine of being a mother and employee resumed.
I have to thank my husband for letting me rest and stay in bed those few days after the loss, he has taken up the job of preparing and sending my kids to school by himself.
7. Date Nights and Escapism
After the procedure, I wanted a reprieve from the ache inside. I told my husband I wanted to go places with him, maybe a night out of town, since my kids were taken in by my in-laws for a few days.
It was a form of escapism, distraction, and release.
In the end, I settled with date nights with my husband, dining out, going for a movie in a cinema, and more walks. I had sushi and even some alcohol, all of which I couldn’t do a week prior. Bitterness came and went as I ate, I took in the feeling, and let it go.
Though in the midst of it, the sadness still overwhelmed me at times, I found myself holding my lower abdomen as I went about my day.
But it was better than staring at the walls of my bedroom, and it helped me feel that life was still around me, and my husband’s love and presence supported me while we were out.
8. I Worked
I still responded to work requests and inquiries, checked my emails in the afternoon, and even prepared a report and presentation for the following week, but in certain chunks of the day.
Why?
Because my team still needed my feedback, because I still cared for work, and because work too was a form of escapism.
Not many at work outside my team and immediate superior knew what happened, and so, I carried on. Mentally, it seemed that being productive during this time, helped me move on.
By night, when there was nothing else to distract me, I would resume my grieving.
9. Prayer
I couldn’t pray on days 1 and 2 post-operation, I just wondered out loud to God, why?
All I got or felt I got back, was silence.
Because a part of me had already been attached to the growing embryo since I heard the heartbeat 2 weeks ago, and every time I thought about it, my heart would sink again, and I would crawl back into my ball of grief.
Despite my doctor assuring me that it was not my fault, it still hurts.
On days 3 and 4, I prayed, not for answers, but for direction.
After that, I felt a sense of God saying to wait and rest.
That is where I am now, at day 5.
Moving on.
It’s now 7 days after knowing the news of the confirmed miscarriage, and 5 days post my D and C operation.
I’m still bleeding, and still having abdominal cramps.
In 2 days I will be going in again to get an ultrasound to check if my uterus is clean from the pregnancy, a consultation of how I’m healing, and then, that will be it.
I’ve had 4 pregnancies, and 3 children with me.
I still feel joy, despite the grief, especially in the moments when I’m with my children. I’m loving on them even more, soaking them in, smelling their scent, and kissing them every time they are near me.
And my steadfast husband, I can’t credit more, for listening to my sobs, my cries, and my questions patiently, and giving me time to heal.
I still get waves of sadness throughout the day, even certain songs on the radio can trigger me.
But I knew I had made progress, as I had moved on from using a towel to dry my tears and snot at night, and now I use my kid’s small washcloths on my bed the times I need to still cry it out.
But at this point, I am functional, while trying to move on.
This was my personal 1-week walk through grieving my loss, and it may be different for other women who have experienced pregnancy losses.
I won’t end this entry on a high, or even give a moral of the story as an outro.
Because I’m still making my way out of the tunnel at this point, and that’s alright for now.
A woman should be allowed to grieve, as long as it is needed.