I don’t usually wear makeup.
It was only after high school did I start to experiment with makeup on my face, even so, very minimally. I started with face foundation to hide my acne, then lip gloss, and later on I played around with eyeshadows.
To be honest, I was not good with makeup, and I looked pretty bad in the earlier years when I made myself put them on for special events, weddings, and fancy dinners.
I recall the times when I applied way too much blush on my cheeks, making me appear like a clown.
Other times I tried to make a smokey eye effect and ended up looking like I had swollen eyes instead. There were old photos as proof of this occurrence.
Red and maroon eye-shadows, should have never been in my possession.
Thankfully I got better at it in my later twenties.
But although I got good at it, I still only wore them on rare occasions.
And I don’t think I would ever use makeup regularly.
Some of my reasons are that I can’t wear them to work and that I lack the time to do them daily, which are valid reasons.
But there is one more reason, and it’s a pretty unassuming one.
Now that I have gotten better at it, I actually look quite good with makeup on.
But if I were to wear makeup often, a part of me worries that I may not like how I look without it.
That my confidence gets tied to how good I look with makeup on.
That I would start to dislike my bare face appearance, thinking that it requires constant touch-ups, be constantly blemish-free, have redder lips, and defined brows.
I’ve started to use makeup to hide my insecurities about my physical appearance.
This may be completely fine for some girls, but it can get tricky for me.
I am well aware of my body dysmorphic tendencies, and I do not want to play around with them.
I still want to be confident in my appearance as it is, without makeup.
So I invest more in skincare instead of makeup.
And I work on my mental health and on how I view myself physically.
Sure, I have my physical flaws, and it would be nice to correct them.
But I am choosing to grow into them, and on some days it’s harder, while on other days I accept them.
So makeup will remain something I do only for certain events, and on the occasions that I feel playful enough to put them on.
This is my complicated relationship with makeup.