Of Restlessness and Insomnia

I used to think that the reason I’ve been sleeping less was due to the busyness of my life itself at the moment, because I was managing young kids and work commitments among others. Laundry piles up, toys are strewn around the house, never-ending washing and keeping of dishes, water bottles, and snack boxes, throwing the trash, scrubbing the bathroom floors, preparing meals and breakfasts, sending the kids to school and to my in-laws, then rushing to work and back again, and cleaning the children,bedtime stories and night time routines to get all three in bed and asleep, then getting other tasks done around the home after they slept, every day, and night.

But there is another factor why I am tired, why I am unable to sleep well enough to refresh myself.

After the kids are sleeping, I have my time, personal space. I get a few precious hours a day, and even so I stretch it to past 12am every night. I use this time for leisure, time with my husband, Youtube, music, some nights we watch a show together with my husband, I write a few drafts on my blog, and so on.

I chose not to sleep to get more time for the above but to be honest, there’s more to it.

I don’t sleep because I feel restless, to get things done, to move things along, to discover and write, and because my mind is filled with thoughts, on some nights more than others.

I can’t turn off, and I don’t turn off my thoughts, and hence I do not sleep.

It may have been in my nature since the past, to overthink, to worry, but even now it appears to be heightened and intensified. As I age, I get more impatient and restless, and the fact of time just passing by makes me feel uneasy. This is definitely an effect of aging.

With the pandemic lasting almost 2 years, it could be that the lack of human interactions outside the family and work colleagues have also affected me. While I enjoy the solace, the space from people, I do miss some of the social aspects of talking and connecting with others.

This time being confined at home has made me look even more inwards and brought out more personal desires and dissatisfaction at life, and putting every problem, personal weakness, and family issue under the microscope of my mind. Questions of faith, of my personal life, fears, and desires come up and not all are, or can be resolved.

The busyness of the day is a distraction, a pace to keep moving and going, and when the house is quiet my thoughts come out and crowd my mind.

It may not be a bad thing, I don’t think it is, I feel more in touch with myself and who I am, what I want, but it is a reason that I do not sleep much, and on some nights I have difficulty settling down to sleep.

I have not slept more than 6 hours a night in the past month or so, and even now as I write this out it’s past 1 am and I have to make myself stop writing. It’s a Saturday night, my three kids will be awake by 8 am, and knowing myself I will be rolling around in bed till 2 am at this point, with my phone in my hand, and my thoughts again.

It just turned 2022, and time is again passing, I will have to think of a plan, a direction to lead to the resolution of certain questions and wants. At least for now, I acknowledge this personal revelation down and then my condition can be reviewed further. Hopefully, I can get more sleep by knowing this issue with myself.

Time to switch off for my own good, time keeps moving and it does not stop, so, it’s good night for now, and if you’re reading, I’ll meet you again in my next write-up. Take care fellow soul.

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