In the midst of chatting as one does during long road trips, my 10 year old son informed us he was worried about entering high school in a few years time, because the school we planned to enroll him in had a bit of a reputation of being competitive and had certain admission requirements for the students entering it.

It was popular due to the school’s high education standard and he was apprehensive of having to put in more work into his academia to keep up with the demands of the school curriculum.

So I thought it was a good time to try to teach him on one aspect of life that I’d had been guided by especially in the past decade of my life.

‘Do not always take the easy way out son’ my husband advised him.

And I chimed in that some things in life will be difficult, but some difficult things are worth doing.

I went on telling him that if I had wanted a much easier life, I wouldn’t have had children.

Or I would just have had one child and be done.

Because having children is difficult, one of the most difficult things a person can do, and its a job we cannot quit, I explained.

If I had decided then to only have him, he wouldn’t know his 3 younger siblings whom he loves.

For perspective, we now have four children, and the journey to conceiving our youngest child was hard on me, emotionally and physically, me having suffered two miscarriages before having him.

We also explained how we pushed through university and even though I did really badly in physics when I was first exposed to it in secondary school, I grew to love the subject and value the knowledge and how physics was relevant to basically everything runs in our worlds.

We were trying to teach him was that we are capable to handle and do difficult things. And so did he.

And most things that are difficult at the start, become less difficult as time progresses because we get better, we get exposure and experience, and we expand our limits and are able to adapt.

That he would eventually meet that ‘more advanced’ version of himself in the future if he keeps at it.

I continued on by giving him the example of his videogames which he plays on his tablet or on his computer, SuperMario, Castle crashers or Mindcraft, Ori and the Blindforest, among a few, that if he had only stayed on playing at the lower levels, those that he now has mastered, it would always be easy for him.

But it would be less fun, boring even, and that progressing to higher levels meant better adventures, more demanding but more rewarding and satisfying once you have cleared it.

That difficult things can also be fun, after a while, once he overcame the initial hurdles.

And also, you wouldn’t want to just have the capacity for more, but be content to do less due to fear, lack of confidence or plain laziness.

He listened quietly, and I felt that he understood what we meant. He did not gave us his usual retorts that he sometimes adds in.

I hoped that bit by bit, with more conversations like this we were making our children better, more adaptable, more open to challenges and growth, and be less afraid.

Because my goal was always for our children to grow up to be better than their parents, than me, and to utilize their potential without being held back by fear.

This conversation was one of many that we have with our children, because change and growth take time, and we will have to be consistent and patient with them.

Finally a note of advise on the flipside, even to us as adults, we need to be careful and wary of which advise is taken to heart and allowed to influence us.

Because whatever decision we make, we are the ones who will have to live with it.

There were many reasons why I wanted to write.

I was restless, and I gained some release by writing and posting online.

Maybe because I wanted to write articles that were useful to others, to influence, to document my ideas and views, and have it become an archive of my thoughts while letting it be accessible to anyone.

But the main motivation was to fill the yearning I had to create something of my own.

I was thinking about how in this world we have inventors, innovators, and we have writers.

And how their contributions or inventions are patented to their creators.

Then I found out that content creation in the form of writing is an intellectual property of the person who wrote it.

Not just fictional stories, factual exposition or newsletters, but blog post are also considered intellectual property.

Below is an excerpt from one of the sources that’s linked below.

“When you publish a blog post, your content is automatically protected by copyright law the moment it is created. This means that your written work, once published, is legally recognized as your intellectual property.“

I had already gained some satisfaction from posting my written articles on my personal blog and then on Medium for international viewers to read and engage in them.

With this added information on the content of blogs having its own copyright status, it gives an added boost to write and keep my personal blog active to capture and document these articles, journals that keep growing over the years.

And if ever there comes a time when external publications wants my content to be included in their platform or brand, it will need my consent, and intellectual property laws would apply.

That my personal content is protected.

That’s why I post a varied number of topics, be it from self-help, parenting, personal finance, work, and many about life and my perspectives on the seasons that we’re in.

I had previously avoided putting myself in a niche because I didn’t want to be boxed in to write on certain topics only, and I still don’t.

I may not be able to pen a best-selling novel or a popular self-help book, nor write a detailed exposé on the historical town I live in now.

But I write what I know and what can help others.

So I hope this post can encourage you to write too, be it about your life, your experiences and interests, shedding light on some personal topics, or maybe even short stories.

And have a blog to link it back to you, as your own intellectual property.

She cooks almost all meals at home, has a productive garden and keeps chickens for eggs.

Since her kids are homeschooled, she has setup a study in her home, with bookshelves and desks, next to a cozy kitchen that is fully equipped although small in size.

She and her husband also have a trampoline in the yard for their kids physical activity and entertainment when she needs to do chores.

The notion implied is that she enjoys being home because other than above mentioned reasons, by being home often she and her family are making full use of their home mortgage.

It makes full sense doesn’t it.

A house that is fully used on weekdays and weekends, a place of shelter and comfort and more.

I mean our homes are often one of the most if not the most expensive asset one owns in their life, so shouldn’t it be used well?

A well used home would surely make the monthly mortgage payments feel more worth it.

A similar example may be to purchase an expensive high functioning iPhone for an older parent and have it used only for phone calls, Facebook, WhatsApp messaging and YouTube videos. Other inbuilt features such as advanced camera, fitness tracking, emails, internet banking, online purchasing or other apps such as ChatGPT , Maps, or tools like Google Keep Wallet or even ITunes are completely ignored.

So does it justify the high cost of the phone?

For most of us, myself included, we have busy schedules with work, children and family or social commitments. We enjoy dining out, going for date nights, bringing kids to the mall or swim, music, extra tuition classes.

Back to the topic of utilizing our home use, the thought may well be also that if we are not home often and have a lifestyle that requires travel for most days in a year, maybe a smaller home or apartment may make more sense.

As for me, below is an example of my family’s typical week.

On weekdays we typically leave the house at 6.40am in the morning with the children, and return home by 7pm at night. That’s more than 12 hours away from home.

Weekends we have language tuition classes, badminton or swim class, church and social lunches. Occasionally we bring the children to the mall for weekly shopping and they will then request for desert after which we usually indulge them, as they already have their days filled with school, study, extra curricular activities, and so on.

So do we maximize our home? Not as much.

But we do love our house, although it is further away from town.

These thought came to mind recently because I am on a 3 month maternity leave since February with our fourth child, and my husband was graciously allowed to work from home for the same period by his employer to be by my side, since we stay alone.

So for this duration I ‘felt’ we had fully utilize our house.

We were home most of the time with the baby, we cooked 80% of our meals at home, we went out less and we also brought our kids to the nearby parks and playgrounds, making it an evening walk out for better health purposes.

They still have school and their extra classes to attend to, but because we eat at home for most meals we would have talks around the dining table, catch up on what’s up in school and what they are struggling with, after meals they shower and prepare their bags for school, then read, watch tv, play with each other or play games be it MindCraft on TV or on their tablets .

Our daughter rides her bike around our house, the other started her mini play garden by plating papayas and green beans in little pots, while my oldest boy reads in the hall or in his room, or starts to chase his sisters around outside with his toy gun.

Because we go out less and are home more in this period. We saved on petrol, dining out, and time as we are not commuting around town which takes an hour round trip for us as we our house is located nearer to the suburbs.

And thus we are making the most of our mortgage, in this case.

Although we had already paid off our house a few years ago, I do think that this is a valid point with good reasons to spend more time at home.

To save money, to have more time with your kids and spouse, and now to make full use of your mortgage.

My leave will be ending soon and I will have to commute to work and back to office, but I know now the value of being at home more often.

What do you think?

What can one do during these times?

Productivity is at a standstill, while the world still moves around you.

The silent times after you have fed and pacified, rocked and snuggled your baby to sleep.

I’d go on my phone, reply messages, read news, maybe play unblock me or Sudoku on it, but also, I start thinking.

Pondering, the mind wanders, anywhere and everywhere.

Past issues, lessons, plans for the family and our future. What to eat tomorrow, what the kids need to bring to school, how our income will be the coming year. Work topics or even a new blog idea.

Many times I write down notes on my Google keep, to remember them by.

But not many of us are confined in a chair in a dark room, and on long leave to care for a newborn baby while recovering.

We don’t usually have the luxury of just sitting in a thinking spot to process our thoughts, not in this day and age.

So when can you process and review through your backlog of ideas, thoughts, worries inside?

Some activities came to mind, those that allow you to get creative or be pensive while doing something that occupies little working memory or RAM in your brain’s computer to run it well.

1. Walking

This one tops the list.

Walking is the best autopilot activity which also provides the benefit of anxiety relief as this simple exercise releases endorphins that aids in reducing stress and alleviates our mood.

Walking also releases dopamine, which can make you feel more motivated and generally makes you feel good.

This will help us process our internal thoughts better, more thoroughly, helping us view from different angles.

Not to mention its health benefits of weight loss and preventing illnesses in the long term.

We try to take walks when we have the time, even just to get out of the house for an errand, walking in the supermarket or in new areas in town, either with the kids, or when alone with the husband on date nights.

So if you feel you have a lot to process through inside, take a walk, at least 30 minutes.

This may help you work out your internal thoughts.

2. Book wrapping 

I personally enjoy this particular task a bit more than others.

I considering it as an act of preserving my children’s many books and magazines because books hold value in its content, good books, science magazines, comics, Enid Blyton classics, wimpy kid series, it goes on.

And it’s also therapeutic. Measure the sheet of clear wrapping paper, cut it, fold, and tape it down. 

A book is protected against more wear and tear.

Plus my mind wanders while doing it and i let it do so, to do list, old memories, new ideas, proposals, work, family, children’s needs, pending house work, and more.

I do recommend it.

3. Coloring

Coloring books, paint by numbers, printed images, and then sharpening color pencils that have gone blunt after coloring.

Outcome of it is an image made better with color.

It may be a kids drawing, or a beautiful black and white portrait to fill out with colour.

Either way, it can help you clear your head.

4. Folding laundry 

Imagine telling someone before you make a big decision instead of saying i will sleep on it

You say let me come back to you after i do my laundry.

If it works, it works.

Laundry piles up, especially in households with children. It’s a constant in the weekly chore.

May it’d be a good time to have a go with your thoughts while folding those socks and underwears.

5. Cleaning

Be it cleaning the bathroom, sweeping, vacuuming, doing the dishes.

It’s done so frequently you can do it without much thought.

So make space for deep thinking and ask yourself questions that you have not been asking, if its needed.

There it is.

Taking the time either for self-reflection or attempting to think through problems, maybe solving some issues in your personal life or work related matters in your day to day tasks.

You might get an ‘eureka’ moment while doing it.

Even processing difficult events in life, or grief, is possible in these moments.

Have a go at it i you have not yet already.

Time after all is still is a limited resource.

After years of contemplation whether we should have another child, and nearly 2 years of trying and also suffering two miscarriages during that time, we finally welcomed our baby boy on 12th February of 2026.

It was quite a journey, and I will detail what happened and what I did after to finally welcoming our child in a separate post.

Not going to lie but I had thought to myself, since I had 3 little ones prior, that this 4th round will be easier since we were ‘experienced’ parents and I was a mature mother by now. Sure it was 6 years ago since my last child, but things should still follow the similar path, right?

Be it regarding the two big B’s, the birth and breastfeeding.

Well, I was wrong.

Not all babies are the same, and certainly there are variables to each birth, and boy did this one tested me.

To make it easier to understand, I will list and categorize out the challenges I faced from the birth to postpartum and how we managed each one. At the point of this writing it is past 5 weeks post partum and thankfully most of the issues faced are resolved.

This birth and postpartum was in fact more difficult and had more complications than my second and third birth, and possibly even my first.

Here’s what happened, arranged in order of both severity and timeline.

1. Epidural resulting in debilitating post dura puncture headaches

For my first three births I had avoided using the epidural due to my fear for potential side effects, and in my first two births I had requested for an epi mid birth after I was in active labour and over 6-8cm cervix dilation and I would be rejected due to how far along I was already.

Other than my first birth which was traumatic, thankfully my second and third births went really fast and though painful, it ended quickly.

So for my fourth and last birth, I decided to give it a try, and hoped to have relief from labour pains for once in my birthing experience.

And so it went that my one and only experience with an epidural went badly and developed complications from a punctured dura by the anesthesiologist causing cranial fluid leakage.

It was bad, and I developed nausea, dizziness, and a terrible headache after I gave birth due to it. They called it the post dura puncture headache and the anesthesiologist was straight forward about what had happened during the epidural procedure.

The small chances of this complication unfortunately occured in my birth, and I had signed the paperwork prior to it that waived the doctor and hospital of the complication.

What’s more, I couldnt feel the pressure of baby descending and even at 10cm, I couldn’t feel anything and couldnt push him out. In the end after almost an hour of pushing, the doctor had to proceed with vacuum assistance to pull him out.

My baby boy was sunny side up and his had the shape of cone due to the vacuum suction.

And since I had assisted vacuum extraction I had a episiotomy and a more substantial one.

But the worst part was when I had to sit up, the room started to spin around and a painful headache hit me.

I threw up in the labour and delivery room, and had to lie down instead of being able to see my baby in the nursery.

Then after I was wheeled to my room, I tried to eat some dinner, hoping the feeling will pass and at the same time feeling really confused at my symptoms, and I threw up the fried chicken I had.

I then got to see my baby for awhile and started my first breastfeeding direct latch on him, which was the only main highlight of my night.

It went downhill again after that.

I requested for more pain medications and the nurses contacted my aneasthesiologist, and after that I threw up the third time.

By then the head nurse intervened and said that baby will be formula fed and taken care of while I recovered for a few hours.

I slept from 11pm till 4am and then felt better with the new medication from my doctor via drip, but the following days after I was discharged the pressure from the leak came back and the next 7 days was really rough.

This issue had impacted my breastfeeding as it inadvertently affected the method and my direct latch with baby in those early days causing the next issue I had.

The condition lasted 7 days, and resolved after that, but during that period I could hardly sit and stand and relief only came when lying down and having the cranial fluid pressure normalized.

In short, I was disappointed at how the birth went though I was happy to bring a healthy baby boy home from the hospital.

2. Painful cracked and bleeding nipples from baby’s improper latch during early breastfeeding.

You would think after having breastfed three of my older children, that my fourth would be muscle memory by now. I thought so too, but I was wrong.

After birth I couldn’t immediately breastfeed my baby due to the post dura headaches and vomiting, so it was only the morning after that I could hold him and direct latch at the breast, when I felt well enough to sit up.

It may have been a combination of overconfidence and his anatomy, but although his suction was good, I failed to recognize that the latch was not deep enough.

He was born 38 weeks and a few days, and his mouth was small though his birth weight was good at 3.35 kilograms.

After discharging the next day I continued direct latching my baby frequently, and at hours at a time.

It was 2 to 3 days later that the pain came, the soreness, cracked nipples and bleeding. It was excruciating pain during the feeds.

It was so bad that I developed a fear of latching him when it was time for his feeds, but i persevered on, and we also included syringe feeding to ensure he was getting enough breastmilk.

I pumped to stimulate breastfeeding and to get some amoount for syringe feeds, and that too re-opened my cracked nipples and on occasion the milk had blood in it.

I worked on correcting the latch ( deep latch) the next few days, turning to online resources, YouTube, ChatGPT, but the damage once done and if you know newborns , they ate frequently at evety 1,2 to 3 hours at most. This was on demand feeding and due to that my nipples couldn’t heal before the next feed.

I bought 3 tubes of lanolin cream and applied generously , with breasmilk, after every feed.

At every feed I had to work on his latch and positioning, causing delay in feedings so we had to endure his cries every time I waited for his mouth to open wide to get an actual good latch.

Many times, his rooting reflex would not be able to produce a wide enough mouth so I had to wait till he had a full on cry before I rammed his mouth onto my already painful nipples, and then braced myself when the pain ensued for the first few suckles. This was my first 2 weeks of breastfeeding. Since the wound reopened after each latch on one of my breast I had change the breastfeeding hold from my standard cross cradle hold and instead fed him using the football hold to have another angle of his mouth onto my nipple. That too took some learning curve from us both and I utilized it on my right side breast every feed for almost 2 weeks.

Bottle feeding was avoided to prevent nipple confusion as I wanted to direct feed my baby due to convenience. I only introduced it near to the 2 week mark and it was a big relief that he accepted the bottle, with paced slower feeding as we were still cautious to prevent nipple confusion.

This all happened while still recovering from the post dura migraines and lack of sleep, and my episiotomy wound.

This was a very difficult time, and I had cried over it a number of times feeling both guilt that I couldn’t give him my all and that his weight was not increasing fast enough.

I even considered exclusive pumping as an option but I wanted to have the bond of direct latching him, plus it made no sense to only exclusive pump my right side breast while direct latching my left which fared better after the first week after birth, and healed faster than the other ( both my nipples were shaped differently, hence the difference in outcomes).

Eventually the direct feeding issues resolved, I remembered the turning point was when I noticed tehre was no blood or peeled off skin on my disposable breast pads, first on my left side, and eventaully my right side breast pads came out clean at the end of the day during my baths. That was when I neared my 3 weeks postpartum mark.

It was quite the journey, a painful one.

That brings us to point 3.

3. Slower weight gain

He is now a chunky breastfed boy at 7 weeks. But in his first 2 week, weight gain was slow, he dropped down from 3.35kg to 3.2kg before regaining. It was still within the acceptable range for weight loss less than 5-10% for newborns but still, comparing with my other babies who were also breastfed they loss very little weight and regained their birth weight fast, typically within the first 3-5 days.

But for my fourth baby, due to breastfeeding pain and my migraines, he only regained his birth weight at day 10 post birth, and then only started gaining more steadily.

It may not sound so bad all things considered, but there was another reason I was stressed about his weight gain, and here is the next issue.

4. Baby’s prolonged jaundice

His blood type was O positive, which had a higher risk factor for newborn jaundice. Plus with his bruising from his vacuum assisted birth on the top of his head, the excess blood contributed to his increased jaundice levels as well.

On day 3, he had some yellowing of the skin and the blood test confirmed it. I had experienced jaundice with my previous three children, and the way to bring down the levels faster was to feed baby more to flush out the bilirubin (other than phototherapy if the levels are too high for baby based on the number of days post birth).

With mt fear of direct breastfeeding and feeding baby due to the nipple trauma and breastfeeding issues, I was experiencing, I couldn’t freely feed my baby boy as frequently as I did with my earlier three children. I was timing his feeds about 2 hourly and sometimes 3 hourly, instead of aggressively offering him the breast to get him to gain more weight and pee/poop out more of his bilirubin.

It didnt help that his jaundice was prolonged and went up and down, even after 2 – 3 weeks. It required daily blood test and poor baby had to get his blood drain every time we went in to see the doctor, and the same comment on his weight would come ‘ Baby needs to gain more weight, please feed him more’.

So I had stressed myself over me not being able to give him milk to support both his weight gain and to clear his jaundice at a faster rate. Mummy guilt ate at me while I contended with the physical pain of feeding him, at that time in the first 3 weeks of baby.

Thankfully it never went high enough to be a risk to baby’s brain. By week 3 it seemed it was on its way to resolving and by 1 month the doctor’s stopped ordering blood test to check his levels.

How are we now.

To date baby is seven and a half weeks old at the time of this writing.

All issues above have been resolved, in sequence of above four challenges listed.

He is now fully breastfed without pain on my part, he has grown and has become more efficient in breastfeeding and extracting milk from me. He takes both breast and bottle (once a day) and a pacifier without any nipple confusion. He has also cleared his jaundice, and is developing well and meeting his milestones. The one which warmed my heart the most was his smiles, which came at week 6 exactly and I get a feel of my little one’s personality better.

I am healed from my post dura puncture headaches / migraines, and also healed from my breastfeeding injuries. My supply is bordering on the oversupply side, and I have stored about 2 weeks of frozen breastmilk for him and still building up the stash which will be used when I am back at work.

So it has a good outcomes now, but mind you when I was in the thick of it it was a really difficult journey and may prayers were said in that time as well.

I do hope sharing this will help some mothers, be it your first baby of like me, not your first but you still struggled. Some things takes time to get better and as long as we keep trying , enduring and improving, things do resolve, at least those that I’ve mentioned above.

You also need a good supportive family to stand by you if you have to go through these events and for me I had my husband who was there with me all the way.

And this post is also a reminder to myself, to not give up and keep looking ahead at the long term goals, and problem solve these issues where possible, when challenges come my way.

https://medium.com/a-parent-is-born/overcoming-my-grief-of-pregnancy-loss-my-one-week-experience-following-my-miscarriage-4678f7d00071

“Have a good swim class! And listen to daddy!”

I shouted out to my husband and three kids as their car pulled out of our home driveway. They were going to their weekly Saturday swim class.

I closed and locked the front door and leaned back on our sofa for a few minutes, scrolling through my phone and messages.

I had time to myself, home alone on a Saturday afternoon, no work, no one to attend to, peace and quiet.

Most mothers with young kids would yearn for this time alone, and I usually do as well.

I had my usual 3 hours to myself from the late afternoon to dinner time.

But I was feeling off that Saturday.

I took a shower, my first of the day, and laid in my bed scrolling again, and then I began to feel drowsy, and I fell deep into an hour-long nap from 4-5 pm.

I woke up at 5.15 pm remembering I needed to get dinner ready.

Baked jacked potatoes, with shredded chicken and bacon, sour cream, and cheese toppings, was our experimental dinner menu that night.

I went on with it, being in the kitchen wasn’t my best forte, but the husband and I had been cooking a lot more at home this year to save more money, for certain financial goals we were trying to reach ( I might touch on that topic in the future).

But the truth is, as I went about my afternoon to evening alone that day, I felt low.

Perhaps a better word is feeling down, blue, certainly not my best.

And I had no reason to.

Maybe it’s burnout from the week’s work, the Friday night before, I had worked until 9 pm. Maybe it’s my hormones in this season, maybe I wasn’t used to having not much to busy myself with. I do have an active, busy weekday and Saturday mornings too.

I don’t really know for sure.

But I’ve known since I was a kid, in my younger years, I do get the blues occasionally, with or without reasons to have it.

It may be loneliness, it may be a feeling of sadness, fear and anxiety, but this feeling wasnt foreign to me.

As much as I can feel joy at the smallest things, enjoy a laugh with others or have moments of contentment with loved ones and friends, I too can fall into times of quiet sadness and feel pretty blue.

Sometimes I think being occupied with work or kids and family prevents these feelings from taking over.

Other times, when I have nothing on my plate to do, the feeling comes when there are no distractions, and when things around me get too quiet.

Don’t get me wrong, I am a person of faith, and I do have joy, but these are the times when these emotions do come up, and I feel it, and I hide it.

Because really, there isnt’t a real cause for it.

What can I say? I couldn’t justify it.

So what do I do?

Since in Asia we do not often seek therapy for our feelings, I’d only tell the person closest to me, and in my case its my husband.

Other times I’d wait for the feeling to pass, and it usually does over time, or when life gets busy again.

Maybe there is a science or biology to it. I do get migraines since my teenage years, and sometimes I think there is a correlation between having a higher tendency to fall into depression ( which I have before during a migraine treatment) and having a predisposition to getting painful migraine episodes every month.

I rushed dinner that day, the kids and husband arrived home to me preparing the last few bits of dinner while the husband took the potatoes out of the oven, and we stuffed it with chicken, bacon, sour cream and cheese.

We had dinner, I confided in my husband about it, I laughed, smiled, nagged at the kids and family, while keeping the feelings inside. I knew it would pass, and eventually, the feelings did pass after 8pm that night. I’d managed myself through it as usual.

Faith, family, and love helps me overcome, and I am functional through these times.

But I am not afraid to share that these feelings do come to me, and maybe, probably, it affects many others too, who do not talk about taboo topics like mental health so openly.

So if it does affect you, do find some support where you can get it, friends and family to talk too, say a short prayer, or take a walk. Other than exercise, being mobile has surprising benefits of eleviating your mood and helps you process those moments.

I had long awaited the final payment on our house for a years, and it finally happened 6 years ago, just a month before the COVID pandemic started.

This was February of 2020.

We lived in a one-and-a-half-story bungalow lot, 60 by 80 feet of landed property, located 30 minutes drive from the city center. Location was not ideal, but the house was comfortable, bright, communally designed, and it fit our growing family. Kids loved the grounds to play and run on, and I loved the open concept design and the natural lighting of the house.

I had imagined coming home from the lawyer’s office with the official house deed documents, having our names stated as the legal and only owners of the house.

No longer owned by the bank, but ours.

Not to be dramatic, but in my head, I’d imagine that I would plant a homemade flag on our grounds, and then roll around the grassy yard knowing that the property is finally ours and we need not make any more payments to the bank.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t do that for two reasons.

One reason was that I was heavily pregnant with my third child, about 8 months along then.

And another reason was that we had a large golden retriever living with us and there were poop bombs in random locations on the grass.

So I did it in my head, and enjoyed a quiet lunch date with my husband instead.

But the feeling that the home was ours and that we need not worry about losing our home in the event we had a family emergency or loss of income, was wonderful.

It felt pretty good, I must say.

I felt freedom and relief for having a major financial burden lifted off our shoulders. Our household savings increased after that since we stopped monthly mortgage installment payments.

It may not be the best investment choice for others, but being a low-risk appetite person and one who has some level of anxiety, this was the better choice for us. We had young kids, and we both worked at the same company, stable though our work was.

I’m aware the money could have been invested instead and grown over the years, but each family will need to decide what works best for them, and we chose one that makes us enjoy our years better now, when we are younger and have our kids with us in the same home.

And when the pandemic hit our shores over a month later, and people were losing jobs and earning less, the choice we had made gave me a better sense of security. I had given birth by then and was on maternity leave, and I saw how worried people were then about money and expenses.

A few factors helped us, and one of them was that the house was purchased at a much lower cost than most freehold landed homes today, due to the distance from town.

The place we lived was near palm tree plantations back then, and even the developer then was unsure if it would sell well. Since then our neighbourhood had developed and other new housing and shops, and highways had opened around us, with house prices in the last few years doubling what we paid in 2009.

Another was that we made additional payments every month to cut down on the interest accumulation and to make the repayment period end earlier. We also did one-off payment chunks in the final years leading up to the full repayment.

It took us a total of ten and a half years to pay it off, from 2010 when the house was constructed, till we moved into the house in 2013, and then we made the final payment in early 2020.

We have lived here now close to 13 years, and here we built our marriage, careers, and we had brought our kids home to this place after their births.

We had barbeques, fireworks, pool parties, and family and friends over when we could.

The equity remains in our home, whether we choose to sell or rent it out. If we do move houses in the future, depending on our family’s needs, this home will still be ours, and it holds a sentimental value in my heart.

How many years of repayment do you have left on your mortgage? And would you also plan to repay your mortgage earlier than the loan duration?

I had written an earlier piece on the same topic years ago (and apparently had forgotten about it), today we had reimbursed to EPF account 2 all that we had taken out during those years for the early repayment of the loan. In case you wanted to read my thoughts in it from 4-5 years ago, below is the link:

https://beccawritesatnight.com/2021/12/12/we-paid-off-our-house-loan-early-and-have-no-regrets/

We often think of assets as a material object, a resource of economic value, be it cash, property, a skillset, or intellectual capability that can be harnessed for more gain. 

I could say it was my university degree which gave me a stepping stone into decent work employment, or my first home, a house which was purchased at a lower cost back then and has since doubled in value today.

But I also think of an asset can be a person.

And by far the most valuable asset I have received in the last two decades of my life is my husband.

Without whom I do not think I may be the person I am today, and to whom I need to thank for my personal growth.

And fortunately, he relays the same message back to me as well. I guess we had helped each other become better through our years of partnership.

We had met in university and had our share of ups and downs during our relationship, but we made it through thanks to our solid connection, though we were quite different in our personalities. Being together felt easy, and it was like being with my best friend who was also my partner.

But when I am with him, I felt safe , I had more stability, and a feeling that someone has my back. I loved that extra security he brought to my life, and yes, I know some people advise that you need to be stable by yourself before you look for love, but for me this was not the way it happened.

My grades improved after we were together, and so did my confidence and then my determination to do better. In fact we told each other that our relationship should push both of us to grow individually, and it did.

It fit, too smoothly, and over the years we were together, it further solidified our commitment even more. We had no doubts about marriage, but his proposal still took me by surprise when it happened.

We married when I was 25, and he was 26.

Of course, we had our friction and quarrels, after marriage and even more after children, but we worked through them and will continue to do so.

I still feel the same sense of security, safety, and trust when I am with him. We are equal partners in our marriage, be it finances, decision making and in matters related to the kids and our jobs. We counsel, we discuss, and we make decisions together.

We walk side by side, and it doesn’t make me feel any less of being with him.

And that is something coming from a girl who used to suffer from many insecurities, body dysmorphia, and used to look for approval from others, and having it linked it to my self-esteem, being not confident in myself in my earlier years.

Till today, we value each other’s opinions and make joint decisions about our finances, our children, and our household.

So what to take away from my words?

Who you choose as a life partner matters a lot, and its impact on you and your future children will last a lifetime.

Take the time to get to know your partner while you are dating, and assess the way both of you handle disagreements and whether you share similar values, be it at present and the hypothetical future decisions. Career, city to live in, family, children, and money matters. And if hr or she makes you feel at ease when they are around you.

Make no mistake, this decision matters and should not be rushed.

Hope this gives some insight to those of you who are currently dating and are in relationships.

It was near midnight, and we were both lying in bed in our dark bedroom, not yet asleep. We were talking and somewhat arguing about a topic between us.

The kids had long been in bed and we had our time to talk.

We were contemplating a decision, a big one for our family. One that was personal to me.

And we both disagreed on it, having different opinions. Both strong opinions.

I could feel the strain in our voices, as we continued our conversation.

I didnt want to give in as I had been carrying this weight , and he felt the pressure from me.

Then he said something that has stuck with me to this day.

“Because I love you more than I love me, I am agreeing to give you what you want.”

Later, he turned away to face his side of the bed, and that was the sign of the end of our conversation.

He had conceded to me, because he didnt want me to be unhappy, even though he still did not agree to the decision that was made.

And I knew he loved me, and loves me a lot. Times like this, despite the heated conversation, reminded me of it.

It pained me to hear it, but at the same time, I felt relief.

Pain because I didnt want him to be burdened and hurt by my selfishness, relief because he agreed to what I wanted.

It was a complicated situation, and we had been back and forth on it for quite a long time. Tonight we had another round of discussion on it.

My husband had said a few times in the past that he felt that he loved me more than I did him. In fact he does go out of his way to care for me, even when it inconveniences him.

And I knew that of all the people in my life that I had any relationship with, be it family or friends, I took him for granted the most, because I knew I can depend on him and he would still care for me.

That makes me sound really selfish, and at times it is true, so I’ve been working towards showing him love more in the language he knows best, which is via acts of service, within our family and home where work and responsibilities were never-ending with three kids, work, and a home to upkeep, mixed into our day-to-day.

But pained as it may be, his telling me those words that night and following through with it, made me feel special and loved, by him.

And I told myself to give him back this love as much as I can in our relationship, and to work on our marriage.

I am thankful, to say the least, to have him as a husband.

Unfortunately for me, I started having migraines in my teenage years, and it’s now been over 20 years of enduring my on-and-off migraines. Usually, pain management was my only resort, as previous consultations and treatments from two separate neurologists couldn’t ‘cure’ my condition or offer alternatives that could help me cope with it better.

I had a CT scan done during one of those consults, and at least I had peace of mind that it wasn’t a brain tumour causing my migraines. This was over 10 years ago.

“We still don’t know a lot of the causes for migraines”

Said my doctor, and they proceeded to prescribe me drugs that have anti-depressant effects or to treat anxiety issues, such as Amitriptyline, Fluvoxamine, or Sibelium.

So far, those treatments haven’t been effective on me, and one of them even caused me to spiral into depression for a season of my life until I stopped taking it, and have its effects gradually wear off after a week or so.

Not fun times. Trust me.

https://medium.com/new-writers-welcome/the-most-practical-way-to-reduce-anxiety-and-depression-757f16e92ec9

A bad episode of a migraine attack would have me lying in bed, lights off and no sound, usually with my head under a pillow and lying on my right side to put pressure on the throbbing pain on my right temple.

As you can imagine, this is most inconvenient when it occurs while I’m at work, and a medical leave will follow with me riding out the 30-minute car ride home before I can throw cold water on my face and quickly lie down. Otherwise, nausea and the need to throw up follow after if I’m unable to subdue the pain.

Pain management will need to be fast with me requiring oral painkillers such as NSAIDs, usually Celecoxib or Etoricocib ( Arcoxia) when the pain intensity is high, or with milder forms like caffox and Panadol Extra ( apparently small doses of caffeine help with migraines). On a side note, NSAID medications and caffox are not to be used during pregnancy, so these are the seasons in my adult life that I had to endure the most severe migraines.

But when the pain eventually lifts, after hours in bed or by the next day, a boost of energy takes over me, and I feel the need to move and make up for the productivity lost during my downtime.

I would work even if I was on medical leave, do house chores, and start on small projects around the home, even stretching the remaining hours of the day to make the most of this high. My alertness increases, and a surge of motivation comes over me.

This feels like such a contrast to how I felt hours or half a day earlier when I was completely out of it.

Just 2 weeks ago I had a bad episode of migraine and I had to be in bed the whole morning, but after the pain subsided or when the painkiller kicked in, I took a shower, and turned on my laptop to get some work done, work I’d deferred due to my hours of migraine.

It makes me empathize with those who suffer from chronic illness, and how they would appreciate good days when they come.

A quick check with ChatGPT and it was termed as a ‘postdrom high’ or ‘migraine hangover rebound’, occurring after levels of neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine surge back up after recovery, and some akin to a post stress high. Another reason is due to the feelings of relief that come after the pain phase of migraines are absent and we start to feel energized and emotionally gratefull, creating a mood boost.

One more concept is that the return of regular blood flow and electrical brain activity, which can trigger feelings or mental clarifty and increased energy.

There is also an increase in endorphins, which is on a temporary high after a migraine recovery, making one feel euphoric and light.

I also understand not every migraine sufferer feels this way, there are those who also reported feeing fatigue and foggy after pain recovery, as they have a different body chemistry compared to those of us who feel ‘good’ after a migraine subsides.

For long-term management, of course, I would prefer not to have any more frequent migraine episodes than what I have now, which is every week or so. But at least I know there is a duration I had to endure, and then the high and relief after recovery.

And hopefully, one day, I can find a permanent cure.